Category: Uncategorized

My Why’s and always been the why’s.

Many times I wanted to wonder and dig deeper the answers to my “why’s.” Whenever I feel like thinking for everything, trying to figure out the reasons and meaning for everything, I just cry and take my deep breaths. Tears fell and keep on asking “why?” Of all people, why I have to be on this struggles. Of all the sinners, why I have this life? I never have wronged anybody, why seems a bad karma attracts my flesh? These are some of those undending questions I have all my life. And the rest of them….? I have no courage to spell it here anymore. These are just the more negotiable thoughts to share.

Many times I feel sad, how could these things are happening to me?

Is it because I have the kindest of heart? Does the world need a ravaging heart to be able to outdo the sadness that may pester my thoughts?

Where is balance and justice to those who continue the unconditional love, the unending empathy, and the never ending soft-heartedness?

Can anyone please tell me what to do?

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This photos are taken from Salcedo E. Samar before the current situation occurred.

Yolanda Beach is a precious place formed by the goodness of the universe.

A God-given breathtaking view that adds the beauty of Eastern Samar Province.

Everyone is welcome to come.

Support Philippine’s attracted places and beaches. Yolanda beach at Salcedo Eastern Samar is one of the scenic beaches of the province.

https://equalbeam.photo.blog/2020/03/31/12-ways-to-achieve-a-happy-and-successful-marriage/

Reflecting back those moments when you were not yet introduced to the planet, I was too calm and optimistic about fighting life’s struggles. I have lots of dreams to make, enormous battles to conquer and unlimited wisdom to reckon. My rationality had been too strong yet too vulnerable inside. Though fighting away those struggles sometimes keep me knelt-down and frail, I have to keep my worn-out energy-burning and be hopeful, that these trying times will soon vanish away and carried out by the winds and be just a part of the history. Now I confess, that before I was never bothered myself thinking about being defeated by these setbacks, “ No mess could falter me from rising up from any hitch.” I always fight and rise up. But this time it seems my strength is ridged, with lots of reasons. I never imagined that those reasons were unconsciously stockpiled in my subconscious, and it’s haunting me now! My tranquil state was turned 180 degrees upside down.  My then placid mind is panicking! My heart, even reverberates as extremely now!  

        While my heart is hammering with rage, fear, loneliness, thankfulness  (that somehow this COVID-19 has not infected yet any person in our locality according to the report as of this moment, and that our local government unit is doing its great effort to prevent the spread of this pandemic) – and is even discouraged or more distressed despite of this worrisome state, here I am thinking of “I wish to welcome the COVID-19 to inflect me!” Crazy thoughts right? Yes, sometimes I have indifferent thoughts – when I am in a state of confusion and deep reflection. Maybe you’ll taunt me, actually, I don’t care what you think of me. I have to speak up my mind. Yes! While the world is trying to defeat this evil pandemic, the globe is trying to preserve the value of humans, here I am selfish thinking only of myself? For unknown reasons…I have reasons but I don’t know if it’s valid for you, but with my state of mind at this moment. This is literally valid! Basis? To help you vindicate about this, I may not be declaring it loud all the shreds of evidence, it should be enough for you to understand WHY. Allow me to paint it in a one-sentence question. “ WHAT IS THE MEANING OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?” 

    Does it only mean physical infliction? You knew it’s not, right? You ask me how this affects me. What do you call if you’re being labeled as “WORTHLESS” and you know why it extremely breaks my heart because of the person who should be the one to uplift me, support me, understands me, proud of my achievements, listens to my qualms, prays with me, laughs with me, cry with me, celebrates the gift of life I have and had been given – is the person who’s beside me for more than two decades. Unbelievable it is. Instead of supporting me to chase my holy grail, we’ll he’s my all-time and constant dissuade. If I am about to speak up my reasons, it’s forbidden! I don’t have the right to vocalize my mind. I have to keep my mouth mute while he is lambasting me with those offensive words.  So, isn’t it violence? 

Now, I might appear disgusting for telling you this. I am not collecting sympathy from anybody out there. Writing is my only outlet, this is my only whimsical friend throughout my existence. I have physical friends, but I keep my words to myself. It’s better to write than to tell somebody what life do I have. I am living in a lax culture but a different mentality of people. They are exhilarated to know if somebody is not in a good predicament of life, “Crab Mentality” as it is called. Whatever your flaws, it’s an achievement for them, you’ll be the content of their gossips the next day. I am in this locality wherein we have a  prominent saying “may tainga ang lupa, may pakpak ang balita” (soil has ears, gossips have wings) which means, fake news is indelible. Good deeds you’ve done about, they’re silent. But if they glimpse at your fault, you’ll be tattered into pieces by their idle talks.  

So, again reflecting on this..why I am telling you this? You might say, do you think they don’t have the chance to read this? I made sure that nobody in my locality can read this. That’s the reason why I have shared it here. Because I know this portal has the most appreciative people, don’t have a judgmental mentality either. That you are the most accommodating professionals who acknowledge the creativity and uniqueness of an individual.  

Well, after writing this craziness, did the effect of COVID-19 lessens? That I don’t know. However, the baggage I felt before I scribe this…it was subsided I’m sure. Feeling better and lighter. Sorting out things in the most subtle way. Amidst of drawbacks in life, I always fight and stand. Let me end with this bible verse from James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  

Let’s hope and pray that this pandemic “war” could end so soon. After all, unity, peace and love between us humans, regardless of race and culture, economic society and intellectual capacity, must be the bottom line of everything. We need to treasure every human being free from any type of distraction. WE NEED TO CO-EXIST PEACEFULLY. The power of all forms should benefit from the goodness of humanity. There is no powerful nation above God’s wrath and power. He has all the control of everything no matter how exceptional we are, no matter how much our intelligence quotient we have. We were made by our Creator as diverse to appreciate how unique the world we live in.  We have the most towering intellect of all living creatures in one purpose, “LOVE THY NEIGHBOR” and not devastation. 

Disclaimer:

This article does not in any means referred to anybody’s personal experience. Any events, experiences, and similarities mentioned herein are not intended to reveal any single person’s identity.  

Elma D. Baque 🇵🇭